Sunday, 22 October 2017

What's mine is yours..... kind of...

When you get married, or actually, enter into any kind partnership, romantic or even business, you make an agreement. This isn't a typed out on paper, signed sealed and delivered kind of agreement. This is an underlying, unsaid, code of conduct.

You have agreed that from here on in you are 'in this together'... two has become one. A team!!

But does it? 

Can you honestly say that you will always treat everything you have as 'ours' and not 'mine'. 

This is an age old debate that to be honest comes up frequently in our household, and it always, always revolves around the same thing..... Money!!

A few months ago we bought a new bed. I say we, my husband paid for this new bed, from, and I quote "his" money, and was slightly disgruntled when I wasn't more grateful that he had spent "his" money on our new bed.

I was a tad peeved by this statement, to say the least, but after a glass of wine, a very hard day at work and not wanting to have a full on debate (again) I left it. 

But I kept thinking about it. 

I don't really blame him for seeing the cold hard cash in his account as 'his'. It comes from the wages he earns, working all the hours he works.

I didn't earn that money, I didn't go to work every day to bring home that money.

However,what I did do is cut my hours down to half when I returned from having our first child, and gave up any hopes of career progression for at least the next five years.

This was so we didn't have to spend the majority of our money on childcare, so I could spend more time with our daughter, and so she didn't spend more time with someone else than she did with us. 

He basically took the financial lead if you like, and I sat back and let him. This was my choice, 100% and I don't regret it, but, just because I don't work full time anymore it doesn't mean I don't contribute.

He has gone from strength to strength in his current role, and I am proud of him for what he has achieved in a short space of time. I am also hugely grateful for the money this brings.

But why does contribution to our household always have to be measured in money?! 

The saying goes that behind every successful man is a great woman. This my friends is the absolute truth.

When my husband works late, gets caught in the office, has to work away, goes out after work for a couple of beers after a hard week, who is always at home, looking after our children?? Yup... that would be me.

I am there, cooking their tea, breaking up fights, getting them ready for bed, making the packed lunches for the next day, tidying the tip we call home, AND cooking dinner for him for when he gets in from his 'hard day at work'.

The contribution I make is measured in hours spent at home with 'our' children. The hours spent taking them to baby classes, toddler classes, swimming lessons, its the school runs, the doctors appointments, taking days off when they are sick, arranging childcare, and then re-arranging childcare, the washing, the ironing, the cleaning, the cooking, and making sure the cupboards are full and the fridge is stocked (using 'my' money I might add☺). 

I know my husband will hate this and will probably never let me post it. I also know that he didn't mean anything by it and he just wants me to appreciate that he has worked hard for that money, and because of this we can now buy a lovely new king size bed. 

I just want him to appreciate that behind the money he has earned is little old me, keeping everything else ticking over.

I think that deserves a bit of thanks too. 

What My Fridge Says


  1. What a terrific post. I am the workinmom in a two mom house. My Mrs., she is the sahm and I am insanely jealous. It is fdifferent for men and women though. Men measure things in money because that is real and measurable. Our emotions, feelings, empathy and experiential parenting are all much tougher to measure. As our kids age, we see how we fared. I have such a problem with that 4-letter m word- 'mine' - ugh. Now matter what age, it's no good. Happy Weekend. #thesatsesh xxo

    1. Thank you, yes it is the stuff that you cannot measure that is hardest to convey! xx

  2. I’ve been a SAHM mum for the past 8yrs meaning the only money coming into our household is earned by my husband. I sometimes feel guilty about spending large sums of money on myself, so rarely do, because I don’t always feel I contribute enough and have some guilt issues. My husband on the other hand is adamant that everything is OURS and that he couldn’t do the job he does without me supporting him and raising our kids. I 100% believe that when you are a family, all money coming in is household income. One person will always be contributing more, whether in terms of time or money, but you still need all parts to be a whole. The use of the word ‘mine’ will just lead to resentments on both sides and if it’s upsetting you I think that’s a conversation you need to have. All the best xx

    1. Yes we have had the conversation, and after reading this post I think he has been able to see things differently. I'm pleased I didn't keep it all in, like you say, it would only cause resentment x

  3. #thesatsesh what a fascinating insight, we are the other way around and I am the 'bed winner' (see what I did there), it is hard as I have guilt that I am a woman who is climbing the ladder plus I know I make comments about 'paying for things' at times. This post has reminded me to be mindful...youre right, it take a village to raise a child, so as parents we rock :) fab post - glad you joined us, fridgesays,x

    1. Thank you! Yes we can all be guilty of playing the 'well I paid for it' card, even me. Just need to be mindful that sometimes it can be hurtful, and not all contributions have to be financial xx